HELLRAISER
CENOBITE

		Interview by E.C.McMullen Jr.
THE HELLRAISER INTERVIEW SEQUELS CLIVE BARKER

Left to Right
CENOBITES OF HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II
Butterball: SIMON BAMFORD, Pinhead: DOUG BRADLEY,
Female Cenobite: BARBIE WILDE, Chattering Cenobite: NICHOLAS VINCE

PINHEAD: "YOU HAVE SUMMONED US CHILD!"

ME: "Uh... heh! Wow! Child? Seriously, me? I'm flattered, but anyway -"

PINHEAD: "NO EXCUSES! NOW YOU WILL TASTE OUR PLEASURES!"

FEMALE CENOBITE: "EXPERIENCE OUR PAIN."

CHATTERING CENOBITE: "CHATTER! CHATTER! CHATTER!"

BUTTERBALL CENOBITE: ". . ."

ME: "What excuses?"

PINHEAD: "YOU BEGGED FOR... FOR... Hm. NO MATTER! NOW YOU WILL EXPERIENCE TORMENTS BEYOND THE FLESH!"

ME: "And you know, that sounds like a swell time! But first, I summoned you here for an interview!"

PINHEAD: "A WHAT?!?"

ME: "An interview! I want to interview you guys! You know: Big franchise beginning. Series gets slaughtered by the third movie. Off to direct to video, late night TV. Goes the way of Alan Smithee movies and winds up with a remake so awful it -"

PINHEAD: "STOP! ENOUGH OF YOUR CHATTER!"

CHATTERING CENOBITE: "CHATTER! CHAT-!???"

PINHEAD: (sotto voce) "Ahem! Will you please? I'm talking to the human!"

CHATTERING CENOBITE: "CHATTER! CHATTER! CHATTER!"

FEMALE CENOBITE: "ARE YOU TOYING WITH US?"

ME: "No seriously. See the camera? The lights? I want to interview you guys."

PINHEAD: "WE DIDN'T COME TO OBEY YOUR WISHES!"

ME: "Yes you did! I summoned you. You came. Therefore -"

FEMALE CENOBITE: "IT IS THE BOX THAT SUMMONS US, NOT THE FLESH."

PINHEAD: "DAMN IT! IT IS NOT THE BOX I TELL YOU, IT IS THE HANDS!"

FEMALE CENOBITE: "OH RIGHT. NO WAIT! WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU SAID IT WAS THE DESIRE AND NOT THE HANDS?"

PINHEAD: " I . . . HANG ON... (sotto voce) did I?"

FEMALE CENOBITE: "YOU DID. YOU MOST SPECIFICALLY DID."

PINHEAD: "YES. THAT'S RIGHT! THE DESIRE. IT IS THE DESIRE THAT SUMMONS US! ... ahem, not the box or the uh... hands."

ME: "Okay, so it's my box, my hands, and my desire. No matter how you look at it, I summoned and you obeyed!"

FEMALE CENOBITE: "WELL! YOU PLAYED RIGHT INTO THAT, DIDN'T YOU?"

PINHEAD: (turns to Female Cenobite) "ME?!? LOOK, DAMN IT! DO YOU REALLY. . . (sotto voce) Do you really think this is the time? Now?"

BUTTERBALL CENOBITE: " . . . "

PINHEAD: "OH, SHUT UP!"

BUTTERBALL CENOBITE: " ? "

PINHEAD: "I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!"

CHATTERING CENOBITE: "CHATTER! CHATTER! CHATTER!"

PINHEAD: "YOU CAN FUCK OFF TOO!"

CHATTERING CENOBITE: "CHATTER?"

PINHEAD: "YES GODDAMN IT! I MEAN YOU THIS TIME!"

CHATTERING CENOBITE: (sullen) "Click. Clickety. Click."

FEMALE CENOBITE: "WONDERFUL. YOU'VE REALLY THROWN YOUR PINS EVERYWHERE BUT AT THE TARGET."

PINHEAD: "THEY'RE NAILS, GOD DAMN IT! AND ONE MORE FUCKING WORD - !"

ME: "About the interview?"

PINHEAD: "WHAT?!?"

ME: "I have refreshments - "

PINHEAD: "I'LL REFRESH YOUR HEART WITH MY FIST, YOU - !"

FEMALE CENOBITE: "REFRESHMENTS REALLY? THAT'S RATHER NICE, ACTUALLY."

PINHEAD: "NICE?!? DID YOU JUST UTTER. . . N-NICE?!?"

ME: "See the craft services table, just past the lights?"

FEMALE CENOBITE: (at the table) "OH MY! LOOK AT THE TEACUPS! BONE CHINA WITH ... Oh! ADORABLE LITTLE PAINTINGS OF PEOPLE AT A PICNIC!"

ME: "Yep! Tea, milk, scones, crumpets: American version I know, but still pretty tasty."

BUTTERBALL CENOBITE: " ! ! ! "

FEMALE CENOBITE: "WHAT A MARVELOUS SPREAD!"

ME: "Thanks! There's a whole table of finger food ( sly wink, elbow & grin at Pinhead ), basically a ton of hor d'oeuvres."

CHATTERING CENOBITE: (at the table) "CHATTER! CHAT-MUNCH! NOM! NOM!"

PINHEAD: (staring me down for one cold moment. Finally) "What Kind Of . . . Tea?"

END

This interview copyright 2013 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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