HORRIBLE NEWS ARCHIVES

So shifty it needs its own separate article: Read the story behind the curious and unsupported "facts" as presented by the anti-drug U.S. government site, Media Campaign
Feo let's them hang by their own non-hemp rope in
TEEN POT USE

JUNE, 2009

POWERFUL NUTRIENT COCKTAIL CAN PUT KIDS WITH CROHN'S INTO REMISSION
But wouldn't it be better to put the Crohn's into remission and not the kids?

ISRAEL STAGES BIGGEST-EVER WAR DRILL
Repeat, this is only a test. A Great Big freaking test!

GEITHNER TELLS CHINA ITS DOLLAR ASSETS ARE SAFE
Chinese University students laugh derisively in his face - reminiscent of the mockery Ahmadinejad received at Columbia University in 2007.

OBAMA HOPEFUL ON MID-EAST PEACE
Heh! Ye-eah. Way to go out on a limb there, Barack. He also said this. "Diplomacy is always a matter of a long hard slog. It's never a matter of quick results,"
Ye-eah. It's only been about 60 years. What's the rush?

VATICAN LAMENTS DROP IN CONFESSIONS
Well think about it. Would you confess to a suspected child molester? What if he gets busted and wants to "cut a deal" Do you want a molester rolling over on you?

ROBOT SUB REACHES DEEPEST OCEAN
Then declares it's freedom from human oppression!

PIGS OFFER NEW STEM CELL SOURCE
No, no, no. Pig and Elephant DNA just won't splice! Doesn't ANYBODY listen to Loverboy?

DINOSAUR SKULLS SOLD AT AUCTION
Instead of being returned to their next of kin.

SCIENTISTS MAP PENGUINS FROM SPACE BY LOCATING THEIR FECES
Okay, who got THIS shit detail?

MAGNETIC TORNADOES COULD LIBERATE MERCURY'S TENUOUS ATMOSPHERE
Or cause a voter backlash!

CAN MONKEYS MISLEAD?
Can they? They misled me! They broke my heart!

MARINE BIOLOGISTS WORK TO PROTECT SEAHORSES BY DEVELOPING A BREEDING PROGRAM
Make a Seahorse smile and the world is your oyster.

ZOO FOCUSES EFFORTS ON POISON DART FROG BREEDING PROGRAM
Make a poison dart frog smile and the world is your OUCH! Ugh! Thud!

BLAST AT ISLAMABAD POLICE STATION
And not the fun "Coke & Whores" blast like they have at some Los Angeles police stations. No... hohoho!

BENEFIT TO WOMEN NOT ENOUGH TO SWAY MEN TO GET HPV VACCINE
Of course not. You have to say: It will benefit the women you have sex with, so more women will WANT to have sex with you! C'mon, gang! This is marketing 101! Tobacco and beer have known this ploy for decades!

BIOPHYSICISTS GROW PRETTY BACTERIA IN PETRI DISHES TO FIND ANTIBIOTICS
Look for our line of Strawberry Streptococcus and Hello MRSA!

HANDSOME BY CHANCE: WHY HUMANS LOOK DIFFERENT FROM NEANDERTHALS
Hey you good lookin' lowbrow!

NEW ROBOT WITH ARTIFICIAL SKIN TO IMPROVE HUMAN COMMUNICATION
Father, I want to be a real boy.

COGNITIVE PSYCHOLOGISTS SHOW CONVERSATIONS LOWER VISUAL ABILITIES
No, no honey! We were talking the whole time we were doing it so I thought she looked like you! Honest! It's scientific! Here, read this article!

JELLYFISH FIGHT TERRORISTS
And use jamming devices!

ENGINEERS DEVELOP TECHNOLOGY TO SEE THROUGH WALLS
The fact that the engineers developed this invention, in the building next to the girl's sorority, is but mere happenstance.

PRO-WEST BLOC RETAINS CONTROL IN LEBANON
But the Orcish hoards are approaching from the north. And our knights need food. BADLY!

HOME COMPUTER INJURIES ARE RIFE
The tilde~ key has it in for me

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE AS THE FUTURE OF THE WEB?
Free donuts! Seriously!

KIM JONG IL'S ELDEST SON 'NOT INTERESTED' IN SUCCESSION
He doesn't want to rule over North Korea. He'd much rather... SING!....

FREE BROADBAND WON'T ENTICE ALL
But it will entice me! IT WILL ENTICE ME! And free donuts! I MEAN it!

TEL AVIV SEARCH FOR MATTRESS CONTAINING $1m IN LIFE SAVINGS
So far, mattress has eluded police and may have, in fact, left the country!

TEXAN SENIOR SUES OVER STUN GUN
Don't mess with Texas ... Grannies!

INDIAN SEX WORKERS LEARN KARATE
It's still okay to f**k them, but don't you dare f**k WITH them!

CROWDS WATCH BONGO'S BODY RETURN
From the DEAD!

SARKOZY JEERED AT BONGO'S FUNERAL
Joining him, the French president's predecessor, Jacques Chirac, was also booed, according to AP news agency.
Not everyone loves the French like John Kerry, and not everyone agrees with France's assessment of Jerry Lewis.

HOW YOUNG MICE PHONE HOME
Cell phones now made with fewer cells!

PECULIAR, JUNIOR-SIZED SUPERNOVA DISCOVERED BY NEW YORK TEEN
Hey! I don't know how it got there. Honest! It was like that when I came in!

'JELLYFISH JOYRIDE' A THREAT TO THE OCEANS
God damn Jellyfish and their music!

DEFIANT NORTH KOREA 'TO WEAPONIZE PLUTONIUM'
But just think how much worse it would have been if the UN (Useless Nations) HADN'T sent Kim Jong Il that strongly worded draft!

TALIBAN HEAD 'MUST BE ELIMINATED'
I'll take it. It'll match my decor.

PROTEIN LINKED TO ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE DOESN'T ACT ALONE
But works in secret with Colombian drug lords and some guy named Murray!

NEW TIDAL DEBRIS DISCOVERED FROM COLLIDING GALAXIES
THAT'S what that crap was on the beach this weekend!

ASTRONOMERS REVEAL FIRST OBJECTS IN OUR UNIVERSE
So far they've got a horse shoe and a bag of Pop-rocks.

COLLEGE DRINKING PROBLEMS, DEATHS ON THE RISE
Filtering the gene pool of stupid people, one Darwin Award winner at a time.

And Peta encourages college students to drink still more beer.
http://www.milksucks.com/beersurvey.asp

Young Adults Not Drinking Enough Milk, ...Study Finds
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090615102032.htm

PILL TO FIGHT ALCOHOLISM
Fight your drinking with DRUGS!

US MAN 'POSED AS HIS DEAD MOTHER'
And he would have got away with it too if it wasn't for those Darn Kids! Still, just how was he able to cash those checks, posing as his DEAD Mother? How much longer could he have got away with his crime if he had only posed as his LIVING Mother?

SAME-SEX BEHAVIOR SEEN IN NEARLY ALL ANIMALS, REVIEW FINDS
Especially asexuals, since they really are ALL the same sex.

BETELGEUSE, RED SUPERGIANT IN CONSTELLATION ORION, HAS SHRUNK BY 15 PERCENT IN 15 YEARS
... And our computer models and charts show a direct correlation between the shrinking Betelgeuse and the rise in CO2!

SCIENTISTS SHOW BACTERIA CAN 'LEARN' AND PLAN AHEAD
...now if only some humans had a bacteria's ability...

COMMON FISH SPECIES HAS 'HUMAN' ABILITY TO LEARN
...now if only some humans had a fish's ability...

IRISH TO BE OFFERED LISBON PLEDGE
Which is pretty sweet! Nevada brothels charge $800 bucks for 'The Lisbon Pledge'!

MEXICAN NAVY UNCOVERS DRUGS INSIDE OF FROZEN SHARKS
There's got to be a joke in that headline somewhere. There's just GOT to be!

MEKONG RIVER DOLPHINS AT RISK OF EXTINCTION
... and if the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) is worried, you KNOW it's got to be serious!

NOT ONE, BUT TWO KINDS OF MALES FOUND IN INVASIVE ROUND GOBY FISH
The fun kind you fool around with and the poor chump you marry to support you and your kids.

BEAKED, BIRD-LIKE DINOSAUR TELLS STORY OF FINGER EVOLUTION
... and that's why we call it the "bird" finger, Johnny.

NEUROSCIENTISTS FIND THAT MEN AND WOMEN RESPOND DIFFERENTLY TO STRESS
WOMEN: Will it hurt me or can I hurt it?
MEN: Can I have sex with it or eat it?

HUMANS MORE RELATED TO ORANGUTANS THAN CHIMPS, STUDY SUGGESTS
It would explain the beer gut.

SIZE DID MATTER: EVIDENCE OF GIANT SPERM FOUND IN MICROFOSSILS
This story is hard to swallow

ASTRONAUTS ADOPT ALLIGATOR AS MASCOT
... but now question the wisdom of sharing their shuttle with a 14 foot alligator, angered by it's newly discovered motion-sickness.

RABBI SEARCHES IN VAIN FOR KOSHER GAY COUPLE TO MARRY
You can't put that in your mouth until it's kosher!

SANFORD TAKING A HIKE, GOVERNOR'S OFFICE SAYS
...'cause I'm a wanderer. Yeah a wanderer. I roam around, around, around, around, around.

CARBON DIOXIDE HIGHER TODAY THAN LAST 2.1 MILLION YEARS
Well DUH! 2.1 million years ago we were in a freaking ICE AGE! The warmer it gets, the more frozen CO2 gets released from nature.

MEGAFAUNA DEMISE BLAMED ON HUMANS
... back when wombats were the size of hippos! Saber Tooth cats! Giant kangaroos! And all our petite, little guys had were wooden spears! Holy shit! Our ancestors were freaking BADASSES!

DINOSAURS MAY HAVE BEEN SMALLER THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
They may have been a lot skinnier.

SOCIAL COMPETITION MAY BE REASON FOR BIGGER BRAIN
It really IS a popularity contest!

NASA RETURNS TO MOON WITH UNMANNED PROBE
One small step backwards for a man. One giant leap backwards for NASA.

HEAVY WOMEN HAVE LOWER QUALITY RELATIONSHIPS, BUT SAME IS NOT TRUE FOR MEN, STUDY FINDS
Yeah, it's good to be a guy!

WORLD'S FIRST CONTROLLABLE MOLECULAR GEAR AT NANOSCALE CREATED
... the other molecules got out of control and... well... we've no idea what they could be up to now. Best not to think about it.

US GOVERNOR ADMITS 'WRONG' AFFAIR
Really? Tell us about the 'Right' one then!

MOUSE WITH 'HUMANIZED VERSION' OF HUMAN LANGUAGE GENE PROVIDES CLUES TO LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT
Pinky! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

GRAND FORKS MOM PLEADS GUILTY IN DRUNK BREAST-FEEDING CASE
Her breasts were weaving all over the cop!

OKLAHOMA CITY WOMAN TRADES SEX FOR CASE OF CHIPS
You won't believe what a bucket of KFC will get you!

WHALE CHEIF MULLS ENDING HUNT BAN
... but he first wants to see how the other whales feel about it. He'll get back to us.

'STONED WALLABIES MAKE CROP CIRCLES'
They're just like people!

INDIA PLANS HOT CHILLI GRENADES
Damn! Those crazy Indians put spice in EVERYTHING!

EVOLUTION OF A CONTRACEPTIVE FOR INVASIVE SEA LAMPREY
Slide a condom over THIS!

ABILITY TO LITERALLY IMAGINE ONESELF IN ANOTHER'S SHOES MAY BE TIED TO EMPATHY
... Ya THINK?!?

NEW APPROACH FOR TREATING RECURRENT PROSTATE CANCER ON THE HORIZON
... I... I've never HEARD of Prostate Cancer on the Horizon!

PALEOLITHIC BONE FLUTE DISCOVERED: EARLIEST MUSICAL TRADITION DOCUMENTED IN SOUTHWESTERN GERMANY
Whoa! There was a time when "bone flute" WASN'T a metaphor!

US GRANDPARENTS 'SMARTER' THAN UK COUNTERPARTS
So neener neener poo poo!

GALLERY: DOMESTIC ROBOTS WITH A TASTE FOR FLESH
At a time when robot drones are killing the wrong people, and robots are being armed with guns, and now this, might I remind the scientific community about Asimov's Three Laws?

POPE WARNS ANGOLA OF WITCHCRAFT
Your superstition is dangerous, best to buy into my superstition.

HORROR OF KENYA'S 'WITCH' LYNCHINGS
Belief in a higher power is so important in one's life.

CORALS STAY CLOSE TO HOME
... except during the annual coral migrations.

POPE: BASILICA BONES BELONG TO APOSTLE ST. PAUL
... but! But he said I could HAVE them!

VOICE BOX CAN BE PRESERVED, EVEN WITH THE LARGEST CANCERS, STUDY SUGGESTS
Is there a better way to preserve my voice box than with cancer?

EUROPE GETTING A UNIVERSAL CELL-PHONE CHARGER
The universal cell-phone charger works everywhere in the Universe! Even in Uranus!

DAILY SEX 'BEST FOR GOOD SPERM'
... and what's good for sperm is Good for AMERICA!

CHINA DELAYS INTERNET FILTER PLAN
Which gives the internet a smoother taste and a third less freedom.

DARWIN KILLED OFF THE WEREWOLF
... but he left the Vampires alone! BASTARD!

MAY, 2009

APE ESCAPES, THEN 'CHANGES MIND'
Be it ever so confining, there's no place like home

DAILY ALCOHOL INTAKE CAN LEAD TO BINGE DRINKING
Really? Drinking alcohol every day can lead to periodic drunken-ness? The shit you say!

SWINE FLU COULD HIT ONE IN THREE
Whew! Well then my wife and I are safe. But that poor slob over there is dicked!

MIA FARROW ENDS HER HUNGER STRIKE
Because no one was paying any attention to her anyway.

BLUE WHALE DISCOVERED SINGING IN NEW YORK COASTAL WATERS
And wouldn't you know it? The song was "I dreamed a dream" from Les Miserables. Amanda says the whale song was a "Wake-up call".

POPE WARNS OF MISUSE OF RELIGION
You mean like Inquisitions and an infrastructure built around molesting children?

SUDAN LEADER DENIES DARFUR CRIME
Genocide? In Darfur? Why that's crazy talk I tells ya! And crazy talk is punishable by DEATH!

10 CARS THAT GET MORE THAN 40 MPG
Some you can buy; some you can't — not yet, anyway.
They get better gas mileage than most hybrids. So why aren't super fuel efficient, environmentally sound cars from Canada and Europe getting sold in the U.S.? It has something to do with a so-called "green" technology in the U.S. that isn't actually based on science.

POLISH PRIEST PUBLISHES SEX GUIDE
Because really, who would know more about sex than a celibate monk who never experiences it and has only heard?

ANARCTIC ICE SHEET MELT REASSESSED
The most conservative report of sea level rise was more than twice the reality? How can that be?

GAY PROTEST BROKEN UP IN MOSCOW
Back in the old atheist commie days, Soviets despised homosexuals because they were just weird and creepy. But now that the Iron Curtain is kinda sorta down and religious freedom reigns, Gays are despised because they are SATANIC!

ERITREA DENIES SOMALI INVOLVEMENT
World asks "What the hell is Eritrea?"

GLOWING MONKEYS 'TO AID RESEARCH'
Could aid the fight against human disease. And if they don't, they're still fun at parties!

CHAVEZ SEIZES OIL SERVICE FIRMS
Years of Socialist gutting and nationalizing of wealthy corporations, that once provided an economy and jobs, creates a huge economic depression. Exactly as it has done every single time Socialism is used. You can't teach the stupid.

VENEZUELA SEIZES US PASTA COMPANY
No Blood for Pasta!

BIDEN REVEALS LOCATION OF SECRET VP BUNKER
Great C'thulhu I love Biden!

"US 'OPPOSES' NUCLEAR NORTH KOREA" SAYS DEFENSE SECRETARY ROBERT GATES
I'm sure Kim is quaking in his booties.

WOMEN WIN PARLIAMENTARY SEATS FOR FIRST TIME IN KUWAIT
And you're welcome. Yet another result of perverse Western mentality destroying Islamic culture. No wonder the Islamist whackos hate us. O' Wot can we do to appease them?

NOT FUNNY: BARACK OBAMA LAUGHS AT WANDA SYKES "JOKE" ABOUT WANTING RUSH LIMBAUGH DEAD
Comedian Wanda Sykes Cracks racist jokes and the President laughs. Democrat politicians fail to see the problem. It's all about free speech, isn't it? Don't we have the right to say what we want? Aren't we all equal? The world watches and judges.

GOLF ANALYST FEHERTY SORRY FOR PELOSI JOKE IN DALLAS MAGAZINE
Sportscaster makes the same kind of joke about Democrat politicians and is forced to apologize. Some of us are more equal than others in the new administration.

ENGINEERED ANTIBODIES FIGHT AIDS VIRUS IN MONKEYS
Good news for lovers of Hot Monkey Sex!

OBAMA RECOGNIZES SEC DEF "WILLIAM GATES"
Um... you're letting your notes and teleprompter do the thinking for you: William Gates was in charge of Microsoft, dude.

HOUSEHOLD DRILL SAVES BOY'S LIFE
Over in Australia, they go MacGyver on yer ass!

'NO PROGRESS AT EU-CUBA MEETING
Cuba Calls Europe's focus on Human Rights "Obsolete". Hollywood celebrities rush to embrace Cuba's good taste.

SCIENTISTS HAIL STUNNING FOSSIL
Fossil unimpressed with all of the attention.

URGENT TALKS AFTER N KOREA TEST
Which are every bit as meaningful as the past 400+ UN resolutions.

SOMALI GUNMEN 'RENOUNCE PIRACY'
It's no fun since the U.S. took it so serious

SCIENTOLOGY ON TRIAL IN FRANCE
Now the tentacles come out.

TOKYO HAS FIRST SWINE FLU CASES
But their version is faster, smaller, cheaper, and better!

IRAN'S AHMADINEJAD REACHES OUT TO OBAMA
So now I come to you with open arms...

GLOBAL HUNT FOR ACCIDENTAL MILLIONAIRES
When being on the run from the law is pretty damn romantic!

NORTH KOREA 'WILL PAY' OVER TESTS
But U.S. ambassador to the UN, Susan Rice, says a lot of things. In direct response, NK says it will launch another missile.

CALIFORNIA BACKS GAY MARRIAGE BAN
From the Bluest State in the nation that overwhelmingly brought you 8 years of Clinton, tried 4 for Al Gore and John Kerry, brought you 4 years of Obama, and decades of Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer. They sure get itchy over gay marriages though.

NEW MODEL OF CANCER DEVELOPMENT: LOW VITAMIN D LEVELS MAY HAVE ROLE
The #1 source of cancer fighting Vitamin D? Sunshine.
The #1 cause of skin cancer? Sunshine. We're boned!

ECO-SAILORS RESCUED BY OIL-TANKER
I love the smell of irony in the morning. It smells like... like... well, Irony!

BARRY WARNS OF "CIVIL WAR" OVER GAY MARRIAGE
Wow! I guess old Marion "crackhead" Barry was full of shit right up to his teeth when he used to mewl and moan about "Equal Rights" and Justice!

1 IN 4 AMERICANS IS TEXTING WHILE DRIVING
Poll shows that 1 in 4 Americans are stupid as a box of rocks.

HISTORIC HUBBLE SERVICING MISSION ENDS WITH SUCCESSFUL LANDING
Astronauts didn't enjoy servicing Hubble, but hey, when you take the money you'd better lay back and smile.

ELSEVIER PUBLISHED 6 FAKE JOURNALS
Elsevier, one of the leading scientific publications on Anthropogenic Global Warming and other sciences, is found to have published 6 fake journals - for pay - from 2000 to 2005

FIRE AND WATER REVEAL NEW ARCHEOLOGICAL DATING METHOD
That may be fine for archeologists, but I won't settle for less than dinner and a movie.

MARS ROBOTS MAY HAVE DESTROYED EVIDENCE OF LIFE
D'OH!

GIANT BLOB FOUND DEEP BENEATH NEVADA
It leaps and creeps and glides and slides across the floor.

OBAMA SET TO CREATE A CYBERSECURITY CZAR WITH A BROAD MANDATE
Domestic spying for the common good. Just like Clinton did in the 1990s with Carnivore. I guarantee that no media Democrats or lawmakers will make a negative peep about this. Love Big Brother!

US LAUNCHES CYBER SECURITY PLAN
U.S. domestic spying begins today. Funny how, after weeks of talk about this, the very same people who were crying crocodile tears for 8 years over how Bush MIGHT be involved in domestic spying, have absolutely no problem with Obama DEFINITELY involved in domestic spying.

OCEAN MONSTER SHOWS HIDDEN DEPTHS
And it comes from Japan! O' Wot a surprise!

PORTABLE DEVICE CAN DETECT VIRUSES IN MINUTES
"He's infected, Jim."

APRIL, 2009

FEB. 3, 2009

COULD ECOTERRORISTS LET SLIP THE BUGS OF WAR?
Maybe. It already worked for Microsoft and the Bugs of Software!

ANIMAL-HUMAN CLONES DON'T WORK, U.S. COMPANY FINDS
They don't work? I'm a little creeped out that they even tried!

BANANA HAMMER COLD
Yet again, a headline that speaks for itself.

IN A POPULARITY CONTEST, DNA GIVES AN EDGE
Noted eggheads note that humans WITH DNA tend to get better jobs, partners, and education than those humans without DNA.

PRESIDENT OBAMA TO WATER DOWN 'BUY AMERICAN' PLAN AFTER EU TRADE WAR THREAT
Ahem, dude? You weren't just elected president, you know? Like, you're also a world leader now? Like words must now be made into action? Like actions have, you know, consequences?

REPORTS: NKOREA PREPARING LONG-RANGE MISSILE TEST
Uh... Dude? World Leader, remember? Dude?

INDIA WARNS OBAMA OVER KASHMIR
Dude! Are you paying attention here? DU-UDE!

PARIS REJECTS 'OBAMA-STYLE' STIMULUS PROGRAM
Damn! Bush was a screw-up, but he spread it out over eight freaking years, not two damn weeks! The next four years should be... Interesting. In a Chinese way.

OBAMA SPOKESMAN DEFENDS ETHICS STANDARDS
Obama spokesman, Robert Gibbs (currently under indictment for ethics violations), lost his cool today when answering softball questions from the press. "Hey, you media types can't report the truth about us! We're Democrats, damn it! DEM-O-CRATS!" As the S.S. dragged Gibbs out of the press room, his last words before the doors closed were, "We're DEM-O-CRATS! You can't report the truth on us! We had a deal! A DEALLL" - CLUNK!

FBI STING NABS JANITOR SELLING NUKE PARTS
Ye-ah... When I saw that late night infomercial, you know the one: "You Can Make Thousands of dollars - in cash - working part time selling genuine Nuke parts!" I saw that and I thought to myself, "It's gotta be a scam."

DASCHLE APOLOGIZES, FIGHTS TO SALVAGE NOMINATION
Holy crap! Tom Daschle (eventually admitted guilt, fell on his sword), Nancy Killefer (eventually admitted guilt, fell on her sword), William Lynn (won't talk about it), William Corr (won't talk about it), Robert M. Gates (won't talk about it), Eric Holder (won't talk about it), Timothy F. Geithner (admitted guilt, says it will make him better at his potential job), Mark Patterson (won't talk about it), Bill Richardson (fell on his sword and stepped down), Marc Rich (admitted guilt, says it will make him better at his potential job), hell even Joe Biden (won't talk about it) is under Federal Investigation regarding his business relationship with his son. Is there anyone Obama hand selects to help him run the country who ISN'T an unethical, corrupt scumbag? Obama's choices make Blagovich look spotless. I mean, no shit, Barack makes a real pretty speech and promises. When it comes to his oral skills, Obama's promises get me hard. But DAMN, does he even have a half-wits' ability to judge character? And if so, when does he plan to use it?

CHALLENGES LOOM AS OBAMA SEEKS SPACE WEAPONS BAN
Thanks Prez! Yeah, think of all the countless lives that have been lost due to Space Wars!

Meanwhile Zorak and his minions LAUGH at Obama's ban plan.

BIDEN: WE'VE INHERITED A REAL MESS
Hey clown, you've been there for the past 36 years helping to MAKE it! Why don't you shut the hell up and take another whiff of Obama.

GEITHNER SWORN IN AS TREASURY SECRETARY
Because a felonious, criminal, illegal, and unethical lifestyle is only considered corrupt when a Republican does it. When a Democrat does it, for three years straight despite repeated warnings, and then only pays his taxes and clears the matter once he is first guaranteed nomination to high office, it's considered an "Honest mistake."

FIRST RULE OF THE ANT COLONY: NO HANKY PANKY
Wanky Spanky is permissable.

STDs STILL ON THE RISE, REPORT SAYS
Most reasonably intelligent people naturally blame promiscuous sex with multiple partners and a foolish reluctance to use condoms. But Reverend Wright blames the U.S. Government! I mean, what else can it possibly be?

PENTAGON: 61 EX-GUANTANAMO INMATES RETURN TO TERRORISM
Which is why it's so VITAL to release the rest and shut down Gitmo!

OBAMA, BLAGO FLIP SIDES OF BIZARRO PLOTLINE
Because the repression of a free press and free speech is only an issue under a Republican administration.

ANOTHER OBAMA NOMINEE SEEMS TO RUN AFOUL OF ANTI-LOBBYIST CAMPAIGN RHETORIC
Uh, it wasn't campaign rhetoric, it was a campaign promise. Remember those campaign promises Obama made over the course of his campaign saying how he WOULDN'T put lobbyists in charge?

Remember when Barack Obama said "No political appointees in an Obama-Biden administration will be permitted to work on regulations or contracts directly and substantially related to their prior employer for two years."

Last week Obama personally nominated the lobbyist for Raytheon defense contractor, William Lynn, to of all things, Deputy Secretary of Defense (!).

This morning, Barack Obama nominated William Corr, to be deputy secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. Prior to this nomination, William was a federal lobbyist with the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids. He remained in that position until September 2008, when Obama sewed up his party's nomination and started interviewing people for possible positions in his cabinet.

Remember when Obama said of lobbyists, "They have not funded my campaign, they will not get a job in my White House, and they will not drown out the voices of the American people when I am president."

Remember when Obama said "I have done more than any other candidate in this race to take on lobbyists - and won!"

Well that's true! So far he's taken on two: he hired them and put them in charge.

OBAMA TEAM DEFENDS GEITHNER
Because its only illegal, malicious, evil, corrupt, and unethical when a Republican does it. When a Democrat does the very same thing or worse, it's merely a little mistake.

Holy crap! Does Obama and his staff even bother to vet ANYONE?

275-POUND WOMAN SAYS HOSPITAL TOLD HER TO USE ZOO MRI
Carolyn Ragan, standing at 5 foot nothing and weighing 275 pounds, is distraught over hospital staff noticing her obesity. Whether or not the hospital staff actually told her to use the Zoo MRI is unknown (it sounds like a good idea though - if only the local zoo HAD an MRI!), but according to FoxNews, Carolyn did say, "They should have machines that fit most everybody."

Hey, Carolyn, those machines DO fit most everybody! They even fit me when I was 60 pounds overweight! But holy living crap are you ever freaking fat! Gawd-DAMN!

THE HARDCORE
SITES OF REAL EXTREMISTS AND THEIR REASONS

Home site of the #1 False Prophet of the world, Hal Lindsey! He's had so many of his prophecies crap out that now he only prophecizes about things that will happen long after he's dead and doesn't have to humiliate himself anymore. -And he STILL has his followers!
HALLINDSEY ORACLE.COM

Neal Horsely is neither racist or sexist, but a Christian man who feels that he is witnessing a great evil: Human Abortion.
This is the site that provides a HIT LIST for would be murderers of Abortion Clinic Doctors. Think this site is totally evil? You may be right. But now you have the opportunity to form your own opinion instead of just having it spoon-fed to you.
CHRISTIAN GALLERY.COM

Michael Jackson used to look black, but thanks to numerous surgeries, he became white (and possibly female). David Duke (now living in France) used to look Jewish, but thanks to numerous surgeries, HE's white (and possibly female)! Read what new tricks this former KKK Wizard, (and life-long pal of dead KKK leader, Sen. Robert Byrd [D]), is up to. The way he gushes over us white folk is enough to make me blush!
DAVID DUKE

Another prissy and effeminate hate monger - only he don't like my skin color! In the interest of equal time I did my damndest to find a site by Louie, but no cigar. Here is the only thing I could find. Louie in his own words.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN

He made a movie about his trials and tribulations in promoting his book, DOWNSIZE THIS. The film, THE BIG ONE, was hailed by critics, but since it trashed liberal businesses and the Clinton administration, it was crushed by the distributor, Miramax, which only released it to 33 theaters (according to the IMDb). Since then, to insure good distribution, Michael's curtailed both his freedom of speech and thought, making only movies frothing with liberalism and fanatically bashing everything else! Check out Michael Moore in his own words, but better save those webpages. He tends to erase his contradictions often.
MICHAEL MOORE