ALIEN 3000MOVIE REVIEW |
||||||||
|
You Support This Site When You Buy My Books E.C. McMullen Jr. PERPETUAL BULLET "'Some People' ... may be the standout story in the book." - John Grant, Infinityplus E.C. McMullen Jr. WILLOW BLUE "'Willow Blue' will burrow under your skin and stay there long after you've put the book down." - Jeffrey Reddick, Creator of FINAL DESTINATION IN OTHER BOOKS E.C. McMullen Jr.'s short story CEDO LOOKED LIKE PEOPLE in the anthology FEAR THE REAPER "This Ray Bradbury-esque is one of the most memorable and one of the more original stories I've read in a long time." - Steve Isaak, Goodreads HORROR 201: The Silver Scream Filmmaker's Guidebook featuring RAY BRADBURY, JOHN CARPENTER, WES CRAVEN, TOM HOLLAND, E.C. McMULLEN Jr., GEORGE A. ROMERO, and many more. Extensively quoted in PHANTASM EXHUMED The Unauthorized Companion Robert S. Rhine's SATAN'S 3-RING CIRCUS OF HELL Forward by GAHAN WILSON & FEO AMANTE. Featuring comics by ALEX PARDEE, WILLIAM STOUT, STEVE BISSETTE, FRANK DIETZ, JIM SMITH, FRANK FORTE, ERIC PIGORS, MIKE SOSNOWSKI, OMAHA PEREZ, DAVID HARTMAN, STEVEN MANNION, and more! And IN CINEMA E.C. McMullen Jr. Head Production Designer MINE GAMES (Starring: JOSEPH CROSS, BRIANA EVIGAN, ALEX MERAZ) Dept. head Special Effects Make-Up (SFX MUA) A SIERRA NEVADA GUNFIGHT (MICHAEL MADSEN & JOHN SAVAGE). Production Designer UNIVERSAL DEAD (DOUG JONES, D.B. SWEENEY, GARY GRAHAM) ART DIRECTOR THE CRUSADER (COLIN CUNNINGHAM, GARY GRAHAM) |
ROAR! WHO BE STEALING ME PRECIOUS GOLD, NOW? Can you imagine a movie so bad that, in the first 5 minutes, you know it can't possibly get any better? This would be ALIEN 3000. As close in quality to its supposed namesake, ALIEN, as an earthworm to a spaceship, ALIEN 3000 starts with the typical 3:00AM Cinemax opening scene of a young guy chortling as he watches through binoculars,
two people having soft-core sex in the great outdoors. Much stock is used
showing close-ups of her perfect breasts, as well as the chortling binocular boy. The three suddenly notice a cave that wasn't there before. Deciding that the cave was created by a cave-in created during the earthquake (despite a noticeable lack of any rock debris that actually FELL from the cave-in), the leader of the group decides to explore the cave (right after an earthquake! Brilliant!). When informed that there could be aftershocks, he laughs and calls his friends pussies. As with all cheap scripts of this ilk, every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout the flick. It seems that every person says to every other person, "F*ck you!" "F*ck this!" "You smell like shit!" "They shit themselves" "F*ck you Motherf*cker" "F*ck a squirrel", "Pussy f*cking rabbit", "Tiger bitch!", (I've said Jiminy Gillikers so many times it's lost all meaning!) and all out of the clear blue with no reason at all except that everyone is an unlikable psychopathic dink.
There is the barest hint of ALIENS running through the storyline, what with the military getting involved to track down the vaguely Giger-esque alien and a woman that the military wants to go back to help capture it. Her name is Kate (Megan Molloy). She has nightmares of her previous altercation with the monster, and she's in a looney bin where the staff hits on her and her fellow patients cuss her out, laugh maniacally and - ahem (clearing my throat because here we go again)... Every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout the hospital. It seems that every person says to every other person, "F*ck you!" "F*ck this!" blah, blah, out of the clear blue with no reason at all except that everyone is an unlikable psychopathic dink. Who wouldn't go back to face a dangerous monster after that? Unfortunately, the crew she gets hooked up with is exactly the same as the folks who discovered the cave and the folks who work in the hospital. Clearly we are not on earth but the Planet Of The Assholes. Sheesh! None of the group involved in capturing/killing the monster has any demonstrable skill or talent whatsoever (that includes acting) and trying to maintain any sense of character order around them is like herding cats. Why is that? Because in the new group - Ahem!: Every person is supposed to be angry with everyone else, sick of everyone else, and insults and shouts their way throughout the Blah! Blah! Blah! Separating one character from the other is a fool's game since all of them have the same personality. Phoebe (Phoebe Dollar: TED BUNDY, DEAD 7, CREEPIES, GOTH) however, seems to be a crack-whore version of ALIENS Pvt. Vasquez. Only without the sense, strength, muscle, courage, or wit. There is, of course, a character named Burke (Matt Emery: CREEPIES) out of some sense of homage, I guess. The monster is like both the ALIEN and the PREDATOR since it cloaks itself. Very original. The guilt falls on Director Jeff Leroy (CREEPIES, CREEPIES 2), and a pair of the most untalented hack writers to fall off the dumptruck since the last used diaper: Garrett Clancy (DEAD 7), and Scott Spears (UNSEEN EVIL). The actors might be forgiven because, after all, they had to follow the script and do what the director told them to do. Now I have no idea what happened in the actual creation of this flick. For all I know, the script may have been brilliant, the direction may have been flawless. No, that can't be so. But still, the producers may have come in and totally butchered what otherwise would have been a sterling movie. But that's impossible for all of the stupid things that are said and done. There is no way you can look at this movie and blame it on anything being re-edited at all. Some of these folks are actually graduates from U.S.C. film school, so they should sue for their tuition back. As for U.S.C., they should sue to rescind their diplomas from these folks. Lorenzo Lamas is also in this flick (which is the sloppy wet kiss of death) and has producer credit. As nice as he seems in person, that's no excuse to let him get away with this. Ugh! Movies like this almost make me lose respect for Lions Gate Entertainment, which helped to foist this crap on us. If anyone ever tells you that ALIENS VS PREDATOR or any other movie is the worst film ever made, be happy for them. They never saw ALIEN 3000. ALIEN 3000 gets 1 Shriek girl. Kill it Before It Breeds!
|
|