HARDWARE
MOVIE REVIEW

		Review by E.C.McMullen Jr.
HARDWARE - 1990 USA Release: Sept. 14, 1990 Wicked Films Production, Palace Pictures, Millimeter Films, British Screen Productions, British Satellite Broadcasting, , Rebellion Developments Ltd., Rated: USA: R

Throughout the late 1970s, throughout the 1980s and on into the 1990s, Science Fiction Horror was in and winning.

Michael Crichton's hardcore 1973 Science Fiction Horror movie WESTWORLD, and its Gunslinger Robot: A bot that Would Not Stop. According to the two J.C.s, Yul Brynner's merciless android inspired John Carpenter's Michael Strode in HALLOWEEN, and James Cameron's THE TERMINATOR. In turn, Sean S. Cunningham's FRIDAY THE 13th JASON was inspired by Carpenter's Michael.

Those and far more, were inspired by the burned and apparently defeated killer rising for one last "Boo!" It became so iconic in Horror movies that Sam Raimi has a scene in ARMY OF DARKNESS where someone reaches toward a fallen and still enemy only to have the hero, Ash, stop them saying, "Don't. It's a trick. Get an axe."

WESTWORLD changed Horror movies and translated perfectly into other Science Fiction Horror Thrillers and Supernatural Horror Thrillers, equally.

Director and Co-Writer, Richard Stanley (THE COLOR OUT OF SPACE) was likewise inspired and decided to take Crichton's unstoppable killer robot for a ride.

This inspiration was filtered through a one-off 2000AD Judge Dredd comic book story called, SHOK, written by Steve MacManus (RED FLAG) and Kevin O'Neill (THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN).

It was 1990 and audiences were ready for it.

So its not surprising that HARDWARE is heavily reminiscent of Judge Dredd's Mega City One.

It all begins with a sleeping woman and her indecipherable dream, followed by a text introduction.

No flesh shall be spared.
- Mark 13

The movie opens to the great outdoors. An outdoors that's all red. Red sky, red ground, no trace of green anywhere.

A shambling scavenger (Carl McCoy: THE 13th SIGN), lead singer or Fields of Nepilim), covered from head (hat) to toe (boots) and wearing two gas masks with filter and sun glasses, wanders through this desolate desert landscape, finally coming across an old, sand blown area of junk. He cuts through the barb wire protecting it. A mechanical hand, buried up to its palm but moving slightly, attracts the scavenger's attention. He soon finds a mechanical head to go with it.

Assembled in America, with parts made in Italy

A storm approaches so the scavenger takes what it wants and moves toward the city. In what's left of a junkyard city, we hear the cheerful voice of DJ Angry Bob (Iggy Pop: ROCK & RULE, TANK GIRL, THE CROW: CITY OF ANGELS, SUCK, THE DEAD DON'T DIE) on his radio morning show.

Angry Bob greets the denizens of the city with bad news, happily tells them there's no good news, then plays a golden oldie.

Elsewhere in the city Moses Baxter (Dylan McDermott: INTO THE BADLANDS, WHERE SLEEPING DOGS LIE, WONDERLAND, THE MESSENGERS, HOSTAGES [TV], AUTOMATA, MERCY, BLIND [2016], THE CLOVEHITCH KILLER, AMERICAN HORROR STORY [TV]) arrives from out of the wasteland. He feels obligated to return because its Christmas and he's left his girlfriend Jill (Stacey Travis: PHANTASM II, DEADLY DREAMS, DR. HACKENSTEIN, DRACULA RISING, VENOM [2005], DARK SEDUCTION, THE MANOR, THE CONFERENCE) alone for a long time. Moses is also a scavenger and its hinted that he is probably a mercenary as well. He lost a hand at some point and has a mechanical replacement.

Moses meets up with his best friend, Shades (John Lynch: CHIMERA [TV], THE QUARRY, ALIEN HUNTER, BLACK DEATH, NIGHT WOLF, SCINTILLA, THE TERROR [TV], BOYS FROM COUNTY HELL, THE BANISHING, THE HEAD [TV]), so named because day or night, he keeps his sunglasses on. It's the personna he's created for himself as the best form of protection he can achieve. It's deadly in the wasteland, but it's murder in the city.

Off they go through a metropolis that's no longer being built or maintained. Its a deteriorating slum full of junk, filth, and hopelessness. Moses wants to stop at a scrap dealer he knows and sell some of what he's collected. He not only needs the money but he wants to buy Jill a Christmas present. It has to be something that only Jill would like, and Jill likes making art out of metal. Her brush is a blow torch.

Along the way they meet up with a riverboat cabbie known as the Taxi Driver (Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead). As he chats them up for a tip we get a none too scenic view of the filthy city.

Soon Moses and Shades are at the scrap dealer's shop and Moses is negotiating with the shopkeep, Alvy (Mark Northover). Alvy is a sharp businessman, but knows Moses well enough that he considers him a friend. While they're negotiating, the first scavenger comes in: a stranger to everyone there. He shows the robot parts he collected and while Alvy tries to lowball him as much as possible, Moses spies the robot head and thinks its just the kind of thing that Jill would love.

It's so her!

It's Christmas, he loves Jill, and though he can't afford to, he outbids Alvy.

Alvy was ready to engage at first. He seems to recognize the parts and their true value. But Moses is also his friend so he let's him have the head and he gets the rest.

By the time they get to Jill's apartment a few things become clearer. When Moses left a long time ago, he asked his lonely friend, Shades, to watch over Jill.

Shades became a part of Jill's life and, while she doesn't view him romantically, she likes him a lot.

It takes a lot of apologizing and explaining from Moses to win Jill back, but he does because while she's hurt at being abandoned for so long in such a miserable place, she never stopped loving him.

Shades watches the dynamic between the two and quietly leaves to spend Christmas Eve alone with his drugs.

After a healty bout of Welcome Back sex, Moses gives Jill the present and she absolutely loves it. She can barely stop herself from leaving their bed and welding it into her next masterpiece - whatever that may be!

Moses: "You like it?"
Jill: "I never realized I even wanted one until now!"

Meanwhile, Alvy spends Christmas Eve alone and deep diving into his Do It Yourself machinery. It's obviously cobbled together from all the junk he kept for himself over the years. He realizes that the robot parts come from a Military built Mark 13 Prototype Destroyer bot. It was built not to fight other battle machines, but for clearing out the wetwork.

In battle, we humans are the wetwork.

The Mark 13 was built to be self repairing. Fully half of it is micro-labs and mini-machine shops, like the Altoid tin sized kind used in Mars Landers and Rovers, which have to be able to od full chemistry analysis on soil samples all on their own, as well as do routine maintenance and minor repairs.

The Mark 13 is far advanced over anything the 20th and early 21st century tech had.

Each individual piece is built to operate individually as well as re-assemble into the whole, as well as fabricate missing parts to reach completion.

All it needs is a power source. It had nothing, buried in the desert sand. But in Alvy's shop, as he it feeds it power to see what makes it tick, the parts reactivate.

What did they do to terrify Alvy? We never find out. But he did call Moses, telling him to come back right away and bring the head!

Moses isn't about to take back his Christmas present to Jill, but he goes off to see what's got Alvy so upset.

Jill decides to add the head to her new sculpture, complete with a fresh coat of paint and Christmas lights. The head is practically festooned with electric Holiday cheer!

Shades, however, wasn't the only person watching Jill all of this time. In another city apartment building, way down the street, a creep named Lincoln Wineberg Jr. (William Hootkins: THE LADY VANISHES [1979], FLASH GORDON, SPHINX, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, HAUNTED HONEYMOON, AMERICAN GOTHIC, BATMAN, DUST DEVIL, DEATH MACHINE, THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU, THE OMEGA CODE, THE BREED, BLESSED) has been slavering over Jill for a long time. He watches her with his telescope and he tracks her through her walls with his directional microphones, heat sensors, and infrared. Seems every inch of his apartment is filled with decrepit tech and porn.

He's waited far too long for Jill to finally be alone. Tonight on Christmas Eve, there is no one with her, but he soon will be.

So all of this is a slow build up, but not a boring one. The characters aren't talking tedious Highschool tripe about who is going to be popular or who wants to be. The world is coming apart and everyone is trying to survive as best they can. All of the characters, even the pervy creep, have competent skill sets. They're smart, cunning, and savvy. It makes sense how all of them can survive in such a violent, dying world.

How could a busted up old robot, having no body, arms, or legs, be enough of a threat by making do with ... all of the scrap metal shavings in Jill's apartment?

There's kind of gleeful thrill in watching the robot head slowly figure things out. Like watching mechanics put the race car together moments before the Daytona 500 begins. Director Richard Stanley who also wrote the screenplay, building on the original SHOK story by Steve MacManus and Kevin O'Neill, does an entertaining job of moving all of the characters and pieces together.

Yes we've seen these dystopian movies before, and by big budget major studios. But not one of them ever did it so well. And all backed with a soundtrack by Motorhead, Public Image Ltd, Ministry, and Iggy Pop? Hoo!

HARDWARE was one of the last of the late 1970s, 1980s, and early 1990s fun Science Fiction Horror movies. That was when watching movies in a theater with your friends was an exhilirating time. A time when even the movies that perfomed poorly at the American box office (John Carpenter's THE THING, Ridley Scott's BLADE RUNNER, John Carpenter's BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, Stuart Gordon's FROM BEYOND, TREMORS) were worth watching.

Over 35 years later and this still remains one of the freshest takes on the post apocalyptic subgenre and the hardest of Christmas holiday movies! In story, characters, endboss, and soundtrack, you are going to love HARDWARE.

4 Shriek Girls

This review copyright 2025 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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