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Review by E.C. McMullen Jr. |
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USA Release: May 23, 1969 Toho Rated: NR |
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Welcome to the future!
It's 1999 and we've solved all of our major problems!
We have a moonbase and because of our space exploration, we have an abundance of resources. So we don't have to tear up our earth for metals or energy or anything anymore. Our environment is saved!
Now there's more room for farming without upsetting the delicate natural balance and that means no one is starving unless their sadistic leaders want them to starve. There are more than enough jobs to go around as space exploration, and all the discoveries that went along with it, opened the doors to unthought of opportunities. Life is so wonderful that we ignored all of those idiot naysayers and doom gloomers of the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s who told us we should stop the rocket jockey business and figure out a way to conserve and subsist on the ever diminishing returns of our finite resources here on earth.
All of those dingbats who wanted us to both eliminate joblessness and, at the same time, destroy all companies that create jobs?
Gone!
We've even got our giant monster problem under control! All of our giant monsters now live and are kept captive, on Monsterland: a kind of extreme zoo / themepark located on Ogasawara Island. There's a Godzilla, Godzilla's son (which is also a Godzilla - these are names of the species not their proper names), Rodan, Anguiris, Mothra, Varan, Baragon, and a bunch more.
Yes, from the perspective of 1968, the future is both hunky AND dory in 1999.
UNTIL ...!
We've lost contact with Monsterland!
OMG! (they didn't say OMG back then but the English voice dubbing could use some improvement) Rodan is attacking Moscow! Why would he fly all the way to Moscow? Not that a Rodan COULDN'T fly all the way to Moscow if it wanted. It flies at supersonic speed. It's just odd is all.
Hey! The Varan burrowed through the earth to France! It's destroying the Arc de Triumph! Oh! Listen to the horribly cartoonish fake French accent of the reporter! What is Varan doing in France? It burrows pretty quick, so I suppose it COULD burrow all the way through the earth's mantle and into France, but why?
Oh No! Now Godzilla is attacking New York City!
Wait a minute!
New York City?
I'll grant you Moscow and Rodan, and I'll even give you give you the possibility of Varan and France, but everybody KNOWS that Godzilla is a lumbering behemoth that takes weeks to walk to anywhere! No way in hell he could get to New York City so fast! And why wasn't Tokyo attacked? It's the closest!
UNLESS...!
Yes, Godzilla attacking NYC is what tips off the folks at the UNSC (United Nations Science Committee) in Tokyo (not in New York, that place is getting its ass chewed by Godzilla!) that something sinister is afoot! This is no accident! Someone is behind all of this,
BUT WHO?
Rocket SY-3, commanded by Captain Katsuo Yamabe (Akira Kubo: ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE, INVASION OF THE ASTRO MONSTER, SON OF GODZILLA, YOG: MONSTER FROM SPACE, GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE) in his shiny yellow spacesuit and welder's mask, is sent to Monsterland to investigate. There he and his crew discover that their own people have turned against them. The former caretakers of Monsterland (or sometimes Monster Land - the subtitles are a bit screwy) see the destruction and the senseless slaughter of innocent humans on their monitors and don't care! Not even Captain Yamabe's wife, Kyoko (Yukiko Kobayashi: BLOOD SUCKING DOLL, YOG: MONSTER FROM SPACE) is herself.
Well, okay, she is herself, but different.
The astronauts are soon taken to another room where the meet the force behind all of this. And if you've already seen INVASION OF THE ASTRO MONSTER, then you know that once again, those dang ol' Japanese aliens from another world have our monsters under Mind Control.
Why?
Because the aliens aka Xians, want to rule the earth. The alien Japanese leader (now Kilaak instead of Xian) smiles at us with benign sweetness as she orders the deaths of thousands more humans. Though the (formerly known as Xian) Kilaak Queen (Kyôko Ai) is ordering the slaughter, the blood of those people are now on the hands of Captain Yamabe because he won't surrender earth (actually, he may not be authorized to surrender earth. There is a process to go through as well as a waiting period.). The aliens say its for the best and that if we just surrender everything will again be both hunky AND dory: At least as far as the alien invaders are concerned.
The astronauts choose to run away instead and tell the world. Thus a fight breaks out between the humans, the aliens, and control of the monster MINDS - for if we can't control our own monsters, do you know what we'll have to do? Well do you?
Well I reckon that we'll just have to up and DESTROY ALL MONSTERS! That's just all there is to it!
Most of the time is spent watching a bad spaceship effect model slowly drag its fiery ass across the screen this way and that. And though the monsters do get to do a lot of monster battle, there's really not a whole lot of story to this one. It's basically a re-hash of INVASION OF THE ASTRO MONSTER with a lot more monsters and a lot less plot.
I don't know what GODZILLA creator Ishirô Honda (GODZILLA [1954], RODAN, THE MYSTERIANS, THE H-MAN, ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN, BARAN: MONSTER FROM THE EAST, THE HUMAN VAPOR, GORATH, KING KONG VS. GODZILLA, VARAN THE UNBELIEVABLE, BORING THE UNWATCHABLE, ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE, ATRAGON, MOTHRA VS. GODZILLA, DAGORA: THE SPACE MONSTER, FRANKENSTEIN VS. BARAGON, THE WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS, ATRAGON II, ALL MONSTERS ATTACK, YOG: MONSTER FROM SPACE, MECHAGODZILLA VS. GODZILLA) was up to with this one. In addition to directing he also co-wrote it with Takeshi Kimura (RODAN, THE MYSTERIANS, THE H-MAN, THE HUMAN VAPOR, GORATH, ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE, FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD, DUEL OF THE GARGANTUAS, KING KONG ESCAPES, GODZILLA VS. HEDORAH, GODZILLA VS. GIGAN, THIS VS. THAT, GODZILLA VS. MEGALON), who worked with Honda many times but was not his usual Kaiju writer (that was Shinichi Sekizawa, who DID write INVASION OF THE ASTRO MONSTER). This was a definite downturn for Honda.
That said, if you're KooKoo for Kaiju, DESTROY ALL MONSTERS will leave you in Big Horror heaven.
Three negative Shriek Girls for being so bad its good.
This review copyright 2007 E.C.McMullen Jr.
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